On this snowy day, I am ruminating about the institution of marriage that led to our wives becoming the mothers and grandmothers of today. Many of us were married in an era when the parents or relatives introduced us to our spouses-to-be and we decided for or against the marriage after a few brief meetings. In our times introduction, marriage and children followed in a rapid succession. Few had premarital romance and an opportunity to get to know each other. And only a few of us looked comprehensively into the various facets of the marriage; social, emotional, and physical before we tied the knot. As we transitioned from adolescence to adulthood the body and the mind developed certain urges that required fulfillment – of the body through sex, and of mind through intimacy. Many married despite the absence of personal urges, due to social pressure – marriage was an essential social duty and norm in our times after men completed their studies and landed a suitable job and girls, as soon as they found a suitable boy with good education (preferably medicine or engineering) and a suitable job. Along with sex came its corollary, children, whether we desired them or were ready for them or not, again the society wanted to see a tangible proof of consummation of marriage, soon after marriage. Social questions surfaced if this sequence was not followed.
Once the children came along the social need to nurture them took precedence over romantic and personal intimacy. By personal intimacy I mean, emotional intimacy, an ability to feel for one another, share each other's pains, sorrows, joys and share common interests and support each other in mutual and individual fulfillment. Romantic intimacy was private and subtle. Public expression of romantic love, despite its egregious expression in Bollywood movies, was almost taboo. No hugs or kisses in public, are you kidding me! Maybe holding each other’s hands, or putting a gajra in the jooda, but not in the mohalla – only at India Gate or Buddha Jayanti Park. Even in the absence of overt intimacy, once children came along, sometimes even before that, lok lajja or social pressure kept most of us together even if we felt that we had different interests and aspirations. In Hinduism, marriage is described as an eternal non-annullable relation. The society looked down upon divorce devaluing both the partners. Hinduism nails the woman to the man by elevating her to the level of an Überwoman who follows naari dharma - devotion to the husband and his parents, come what may, upholding the religion of the family by following the rituals such as fasting etc. and raising the children. Even the reform movements which prohibited exploitation of women and promoted their right to education did not relieve them of their role as Überwomen, only attempted to make them more efficient in it. The woman was supposed to be protected and cared for (as if she were somehow impotent to do so herself), as long she performed naari-dharma. Although some argue that it was a division of labor, perhaps it was imposition of a patriarchal order on woman because if it were a matter of mutual consent and the woman accepted the role willingly, or had an honorable cop out, it might be considered division of labor, but most did not have a choice. Good for us men that even professional wives followed naari-dharma and raised our children, took care of our parents and us and achieved professional success. We, the men, were perhaps good sports too or just helped them in their professional endeavors for our own good. No one minds the extra income and status.
Now after 25 or more years in the US conditions have changed dramatically. As acculturation in the American society occurred, both men and women diverted from the millennia-old paradigms of man-woman relationships. Most professional wives have wriggled out of this bondage of naari-dharma. They assert and demand equality and sometimes ascendance. Bring me flowers now although you never brought me flowers before. Surrounded by assertive and demanding feminism of the prevalent culture many men changed too. They share in house work and do not expect a working wife to serve them food after she comes back from work, although she may still do it. Most are more deferential to their wives. Therefore, marriages, in general have stayed strong, albeit different. But a few men like their American counterparts, wanting more expression of romantic love than the subdued and subtle romanticism of Indian marriage sought younger pastures. And a few women too, not submitting to the older paradigms of relationships ventured legally out of naari-dharma.
Therefore, in this postmodern, post menopausal and post silver anniversary Indian marriage there is a need for some introspection. As sexual needs and skills wane and the children outgrow diapers, soccer games, and college dormitories, the knots tied around the sacred fire may become strained and in some cases come lose altogether, unless we make some changes. To make these changes we need to be ask if the marriage has emotional, romantic, and physical congruity, or the spouses are hanging together out of sheer habit, or to keep the semblance of normality for lok lajja, or for the sake of children, or because they are cowards, fearful of a single life. Are we emotionally together; like friends sharing each other's interests or at least supporting each other's interests and aspirations even if these are different? In marriage spouses cannot be like two banks of a river having entirely different interests and neither can they be clones or twins of each other. Some commonality of ideas and interests has to be there. Always asserting each other's right to pursue individual but diametrically incongruent interests can be burdensome on the marriage. Indian spouses may have to make extra effort to develop common interests and activities which fulfill both together, because many of them, like most first generation immigrants, were too busy to develop common hobbies and interests for the golden years. Because of enmeshed family structure many spent little time together (with only each other) out of the bed. Most of the leisure time was spent in collective social activities such as teen patti and dinner parties. They will have to learn to spend some time together in theatre, restaurants, and travels in companionship and camaraderie. Other activities that can be done together include dancing, hiking, theatre, traveling, music, and gardening. Sharing physical, emotional and intellectual life with the partner we have to derive satisfaction from the affection that we receive from each other.
The spouses may have to work to meet each other's physical needs, both sexual and bodily? Indian culture tends to shove sex under the bedcover, despite flouting it brazenly on the outer walls of temples in Khajuraho. Sex is an integral component of the four purusharthras of life and we should not ignore it at any age – I mean sexuality not sensuality (In Sanskrit the words are kaam versus vaasna). There are many treatises on mature age sexuality that involve looking good, touching, caressing, kissing that transcend gross sensuality. With widespread expression of mature sexuality in the American culture strains can develop in an Indian marriage if one or the other partner ignores this aspect thinking it immoral at this age or in front of grown up children while the other values it. This romantic aspect of marriage should not be ignored.
The bodily aspect involves looking after each other's health. I think that most Indians are good at that. They take care of each other's diet, cholesterol, and exercise. However, some meeting of the minds is necessary here as well, in terms of diet and exercise, for each other's sake. While the women serve their disabled husbands as ideal naaris, men have to get used to it as well. Marriage requires commitment, devotion to each other, a willingness to sacrifice for each other without resentment.
Communication of affection, an occasional, you look great, I love you, is also an important aspect of marriage, although we take it for granted and communicate mainly ideas, opinions, needs, plans, work, and finances. Besides the content the process of communication has to be soft and sweet. No one should put down the other in the relationship. If one is irate for some reason – we often project the anger from other onto spouses using them as shock absorbers – the other can ignore the temporary outburst or speculate and empathize with the real reasons instead of reacting, stonewalling and preaching.
It is time that we, the Indian baby-boomers, stop harping on the past or brooding about the future of children or grandchildren and start living our own personal lives in the present as well. I would welcome ideas and an open forum.
Vidya Bhushan Gupta
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